Nichi is a doula and every time she witnessed another woman’s pregnancy or childbirth experience, she was busy creating an encyclopedia in her head. She’d think, “Note to self, don’t let this happen or make sure that you take care of yourself so you can avoid this or that.” Since she assumed she’d be pregnant again in the future, she knew she could apply what she was learning to her next pregnancy.
When that day came, she had her encyclopedia of knowledge filed up in her head. She also had her strong belief that her attitude, her feelings, her thoughts, and what she ate would affect her baby and how she felt physically. She had seen positive and negative aspects of this phenomenon. Now, she wasn’t being overly restrictive and telling herself that she couldn’t eat any dark chocolate. She was, instead, being mindful of her thoughts, feelings, and actions and ensuring that she was staying in the most empowering place she could.
Nichi marched off down that path – a path of being in tune with her emotions and setting intentions for herself and her baby. She was enjoying much success. What she didn’t realize, as she continued in her pregnancy, was that she was setting herself up to be a role model for how to do pregnancy “right.” Those around her got very interested in exactly what she was doing and how she was doing it. They asked her questions. Other women told her directly that she was the “poster child” for how to not only have a great pregnancy, yet also a home birth. And in many ways her experience was poster-worthy.
What, she felt creeping up on her, however, was this nagging, overwhelming feeling that everything had to be perfect – that she had to be perfect. She thought about all the experience and knowledge and self-awareness she had and she got to thinking, “What was the point of all of that, if something went astray?” And these women were expecting a great success story. It would send a message she didn’t want to send if she – with her knowledge and commitment – couldn’t have a great experience. She had to make sure she was on top of everything. She had to make sure it all went perfectly, otherwise what were these other women going to learn from her? What had she learned? She felt the pressure.
Being tuned into her own feelings, Nichi saw the signs that she was getting nervous and was constantly fretting about doing it “right.” When she noticed this shift in her emotions, she had to remind herself that her job was simply to set her intentions and stay tuned into what she and her baby wanted. Any belief that the process had to go a certain way or had to look a certain way were going to get in the way of Nichi having the peaceful, empowering experience she wanted. In time and with self-awareness, she was able to apply what she knew about pregnancy, and, at the same time, keep her expectations in check, reminding herself that she didn’t fully know what to expect because she and her baby had never done this before.
Nichi’s experience overall, although not “perfect,” was certainly “poster-worthy.” Most days she felt peaceful and grounded about the approaches she was taking. She worked and exercised until days before she delivered, keeping her body strong and fluid. And, in the end, Nichidelivered a 9 pound baby at home with no tearing, no hemorrhaging, and no problems.
The Perfection Trap Invites Disappointment
We may not have people expecting us to have the perfect pregnancy, yet what aspect of pregnancy is each of us trying to do perfectly? We often tend to have at least one thing that we desperately hope will work out just as we want. It may be a desire to not gain too much weight or to never have a hormonal outburst or to only eat healthy or to not have our pregnancy impact our ability to do our work, etc. We launch ourselves into a perfection pitfall if we feel it has to work out in a specific way or else!!
It’s useful to identify our pregnancy perfection pitfalls. Chances are that we won’t experience perfection. So if we’re consciously or subconsciously striving for flawless, we’re likely setting ourselves up for disappointment. We want to give ourselves some leeway, like Nichidid.
Please join the conversation: What are you trying to do perfectly? What are your perfection pitfalls?
Learn more about Nichi and her new parenting services here.
