GaGA! Growing and Getting Awesome… the Official Loving the Pregnant You Blog

When you really don’t want what you want…

I’m done breastfeeding my son and I’m sad about it. I want to still be breastfeeding. I want to have my nuzzle time with him. I want to know that I’m feeding him nutrition-packed breast milk. I want to take bottles to daycare with red labels (breast milk) instead of white labels (formula). I want to say that I breastfed my son for a year. I want to be done breastfeeding. I want to pack away that pump. I want to stop washing the funnels and storage bottles. I want all of this. So, how do I know what to do? How do I do what I want to do?

I advise mothers to pay attention to their thoughts and feelings and energy and make choices that feel good, that are aligned with who they are and what’s important to them. It’s simple advice, that I get isn’t always easy. How do you weed your way through conflicting desires?

For me, in this instance, I knew the day that I was making the choice. Prior to that day, my son and I had both been sick and since we had already started weaning, production slowed down significantly. Then I went out of town for the weekend. And although I pumped while I was gone, production continued to slow. The second day after I got back, I knew we were wrapping up the process unless I decided to do something that day to intervene. I didn’t know anything about the supplement, pill or process that could get things going again, but I had heard there were these things and figured I could research and make a plan by the end of the day. In the morning, I felt like taking action. I wanted to keep breastfeeding. Throughout the day, as my mind returned to the topic again and again and I didn’t take action, I realized that I wasn’t inspired to figure it out. I was sad. I was disappointed. And, I wasn’t taking action for a reason. I was okay to let the set of circumstances dictate the end of the process. I listened to my intuition. I practiced what I preached.

I guess. Here’s the thing now. I’m sad. I miss it. If that “decision” day would come again, I’m not sure I’d make the same choice. I think I would. I’m just left with the emotions that for me come with the possibility that I may never breastfeed again. How can I accept and be with the feelings that are here now without having to second guess the choice I made? I don’t know the answer. I’m not fully there yet, I realize, as I type this at the coffee shop and start crying! Here’s what I’m doing: I’m talking about it. I even Facebooked about it! I want women to be able to talk about it. Because – it might not be the breastfeeding choice – but there is some set of choices that are emotionally charged and take a good deal of processing for all of us. I’m letting the emotions in. (The hormones at times are helping with that process – they make it darn near impossible to ignore them! Thank you hormones…sincerely.) I’m admitting that I don’t know what I’m doing and I’m in unchartered territory. And, I know that all is okay. I’m acknowledging that we all have times when the choice is emotionally charged and doesn’t feel as clear as other choices.

Please join the conversation: Where do you have a conflicting set of desires? How do you process what you’re feeling without second guessing your choice?

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2 Responses to When you really don’t want what you want…
  1. Amy
    May 8, 2009 | 5:12 am

    After writing this blog entry, I realized that I had assumed – that because I was able to easily cry about the topic of breastfeeding – I hadn’t done what I was supposed to do to process it….or something. That something was wrong.

    Interesting how that was my initial, unconscious stance about it. What would be wrong with getting teary eyed everytime I talked about breastfeeding for the rest of my life?? That might mean that I was actually continuing to get present to the joy and peace that it once brought me.

  2. Debi
    May 9, 2009 | 1:51 am

    Doesn’t it seem like so much of parenting is the gradual letting go? I mean every time I feel like I have it all “figured out” everything seems to suddenly shift and change, with no challenges on the horizon.

    I am so glad you shared this story b/c I too struggle w/ wanting and not wanting to want so often.

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