The other night my husband was walking with my 2-year-old daughter to the local playground. As they walked, they passed 2 ladies with 2 big dogs. Our daughter, as the big dogs got closer, got nervous. She started making little whimpering noises and raised her arms up to indicate to Dad that she wanted to be picked up. My husband scooped her up and together they said hello to the dogs. As they walked on toward the playground, my husband hears one of the ladies loudly talking about how he is raising his daughter wrong and that he is teaching her to be afraid of dogs. It infuriated him.
Ah… I wish there weren’t these types of interactions. It makes me tired. I see how they can happen…so easily. I get it from her perspective. She’s a lover of dogs. She wants people and dogs to live together happily. And, she has a point. If we act scared of dogs or indicate that it’s normal or “expected” to be afraid of dogs, we may be conditioning her to be afraid of something that would not naturally scare her.
On the other hand, my husband was showing my daughter that he will be there to support her when she wants something – that it’s normal to have fears and to ask for help in feeling secure.
Here’s what I wanted to do when my husband came home and told me the story! I wanted to go track her down and tell her that we – as parents – agonize over so many decisions about how to raise our daughter “right.” We talk about how to encourage her, how to play with her in ways that engage different modes of thinking for her, we decide what videos are okay for her to watch, we discuss the discipline approaches that we feel are appropriate. We lose sleep over this stuff! And she has the audacity to see one snapshot of our parenting and decide that we are not raising our daughter right! Oh, I got riled up!
And, when I breathe, I get that these types of snap judgments are easy to make. I do it. We all do it. I want to remind myself that when I see something that I’m not immediately and inherently aligned with, I do not know the whole story. I don’t know if it’s that pregnant woman’s one glass of wine for the month or whether she’s throwing them back starting at lunchtime. I don’t know what alternatives people have considered and why. I don’t know much from the single snapshot in front of me.
(And for tips about how to deal with a 2-year-old’s fears in a healthy way, see the article, Easing Your 2-Year-Old’s Fears at Babycenter.com.)
Please join the conversation: Do we want to avoid these kinds of snap judgments? And if so, how do we do it?
I like to say to people who are making judgements about my parenting, “My child might not be behaving they way you’d like, but she is (insert age here). You are grown up and still behaving badly. I guess there’s really no hope for you. Such a shame.”
Also, I think that my immature response and petty comment help them feel badly that they judged my children when clearly I am to blame. It’s a win-win.
Great post Amy – – people eagerly and willingly throw their judgments around in so many ways; parenting just one of them. Think of it this way, the dog is a stranger and so is it’s owner. Your daughter doesn’t know either of them and reached to her father for safety. Exactly what you would want her to do if she didn’t feel safe, as you said. They’re strangers. It didn’t sound like the dog owner went out of her way to introduce her dog did she? So there you go. 🙂
I enjoyed this piece because it reminded me of how judgment rules my brain. Even beyond the domain of parenting, we are so prone to deciding what is true based on so little evidence. Thanks so much!
Great post, Amy. This is so true — I have been both victim and perpetrator of the snap judgment! Now, when I see a meltdown happening in a grocery store, or an (appropriate) discipline happening in public, I sometimes go out of my way to let the parent know I empathize. It’s so vulnerable when kids act contrary to your hopes in public, I know as a parent I am always feeling judged even when no one’s actively commenting.
On the dog front, here is a nice story about my almost 5 year old. He has been crazy scared of dogs all his life — and has gone from hysterical crying when one comes towards him, to quickly moving to the other side of me (put an adult in harm’s way, good strategy!), to recently saying “hi” to every dog we passed on the street. I asked him, “Aren’t you scared of dogs?” and he said “No, cause I’m growing up all the time.” Out of the mouths of babes.
And the corollary story — he’s still not a dog person — a friend brought a dog to a picnic this weekend, and my husband was going to give the dog a biscuit. My son said, “I’ll do it!” Amazed, my husband handed the biscuit to my son, who promptly threw it far away and said “Go get it, doggie!” Nice tactic!!!
Oh, do I get it. I see this happening all the time. We are dog lovers and owners and enjoy friends who are not. We are conscious, cautious and supportive of those who aren’t as in love with dogs as we are.
A snapshot judgement is the worst as there is no big picture-whole story. If we are the ones receiving the judgement, that remark, whether true or not, makes clear the lack of interest of the other party fully understanding the move made.
Oy vey, that’s about all I can say (ok, this entire comment will not be in rhymes). I am just reminded of the many times I have felt on the end of someone’s judgement and felt like “you totally do NOT know the whole story here.” Which I think is where the title of your blog comes from. AND I think for me, so often it is what I did NOT say that haunts me afterwards, I’m like a dear in the headlights frozen. Until much later when I come up w/ a great come back. I’m left with wishing I had said something and announced my own opinions with maybe feeling glad that I didn’t. Know what I mean? The other day we were crossing the street, and a car turned in front driving right where my 4-year-old was getting ready to run. Before I could stop my self, I yelled, “YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!” I was just so angry and afraid Ben was going to get hit that there was no sensor standing in my way. Then as we prepared to cross the next street, a car that had witnessed my outrage, waited for me to give him the ok, that we would wait for him to turn right before proceeding. It was kind of empowering in a way, stopping traffic that way (hey another rhyme!)
Oh and also, my neighbor has a dog and she actually prefers when children are cautious because you never know how a dog will react to different people (her dog is very gentle, but she would rather a child be safe than sorry!) Just had to add that, too bad it didn’t rhyme….