Why I wrote “Loving the Pregnant You”

I wrote this book because I wish there had been one like it at the time that I was newly pregnant, and maybe even before I was pregnant. Back when my husband and I were deciding if and when to have kids, I was highly reluctant and cynical about my ability to “do pregnancy well.”

The obvious lack of control, the hormone fluctuations, and the responsibility for a little being inside of me – none of this seemed good. Women’s ankles swell, their shoe sizes can change, and they can get special diseases while they’re pregnant. I felt I had hard evidence about why pregnancy was a bad deal. Pregnancy seemed like it’d be full of pressure and restrictions. So, as you can clearly see, I had a wholly uninspiring outlook!

With these thoughts and feelings prevalent within me and because my husband and I wanted to have a couple children, I realized I was setting myself up to live years of my life with a “just get through it” mentality. When I saw what I was doing, I realized that I was not committed to living that way! Instead, I wanted to figure out how to love the experience, regardless of what the experience might be. I wanted to give myself a shot at liking myself and what was happening during pregnancy.

At the time, I had been an individual coach with a number of years experience, specializing in working with entrepreneurs. I had been telling my clients they could create anything they wanted for their businesses and their lives. I’d seen people completely shift their perspective from one of resignation to one of inspiration and success. I’d seen areas of my own life transform. So, I knew it was possible to move away from my cynical view about pregnancy. Yet, I had no idea how.

The shift I eventually created started with belief and commitment. I believed it was possible to change my thoughts and thrive during pregnancy. Again, I didn’t know how, yet it was enough to believe it was even in the realm of possibility. And, I made a simple commitment to myself: I was going to enjoy my pregnancy as much as I could.

And…I did. I enjoyed being pregnant and, more importantly, I loved who I was when I was pregnant. This was my own personal miracle. This was something that previously had seemed completely impossible.

How did I do it? In many different ways. Sometimes it seemed like I was experiencing huge, life-altering insights. And, the vast majority of the time, I was creating tiny little changes for myself that eventually added up to something big.

I was on the constant lookout for my automatic, cynical views about pregnancy and about myself as a pregnant person. When I saw one, I looked at how I could improve it – even by just a little bit. I distinctly remember expecting to feel bad physically during my first trimester. I kept waiting for the morning sickness and indigestion. When someone asked me, “How are you feeling?” I heard, “How badly are you feeling?” I caught myself making the automatic negative assumption and reminded myself that I didn’t have to expect to feel bad. I could assume that I was going to feel great.

Our expectations and assumptions can be empowering or negative. When we take on an empowering belief, we often find ourselves taking actions that will help the belief become reality. When I started expecting to feel well, I found myself making sure that I got adequate sleep and continuing to eat healthily. When I had expected my physical well-being to be on a downward slide, I wasn’t as motivated to make healthy choices. Because what would’ve been the point? I was just going to get morning sickness anyway. When I shifted my expectations to more positive ones, I then took actions that supported me in achieving the outcomes I wanted.

I have many examples of when I caught myself expecting something less than ideal. And, I’d ask myself, “Why can’t I have exactly what I want? If I assumed I could have exactly what I wanted, what would I do to get it?” It sometimes seemed like a futile inquiry (as my cynical views were still winning out), yet a harmless one. What could go wrong? I was already cynical. So, trying to poke holes in my cynical perspectives could only help. I pretty consistently noticed negative thinking and worked to shift my thoughts.

A huge ah-ha moment occurred for me when I was talking to my life coach (who I purposely hired because she was a mom and an independent business owner) and trying to determine how to work my next tropical-destination vacation around my hopefully soon-to-come pregnancy. I didn’t want to “waste” my vacation time while I was pregnant because I wouldn’t be able to drink margaritas, I might be fat, I might be sluggish, etc. My coach asked me, “Do you want to be pregnant sitting in your house in Chicago in the winter or do you want to be pregnant strolling the beaches of Mexico?” Ah ha! I want the latter. Why had I not seen that? This was a huge insight for me. I wanted to continue to lead the kind of life that I had created for myself, with entrepreneurship and flexibility in my days, and frequent vacations. And, I could continue to do that while I was pregnant. I could be “me” during my pregnancy. I could continue to live life “my” way. I didn’t have to carve out nine months in which I’d downscale or pause my life. It was a huge, empowering mindset shift for me.

At the same time that I was working to shift my thoughts to more positive ones, I didn’t try to pretend that I wasn’t frustrated, disappointed, ashamed, or feeling other negative emotions at times. For example, when I first started to share with people that I was pregnant with my first baby, people were over-the-top excited for us. My husband and I had been married for a while, and others weren’t sure whether we were going to become parents. They were so excited to find out that we were! And, I was ashamed and confused because I wasn’t nearly as excited as they were. My excitement was dimmed by my feelings of anxiety and overwhelm. I noticed my reaction to others’ enthusiasm, and I did my best to let my negative emotions be. I knew that there was always something to be learned from our feelings and that all our feelings are valid. I didn’t try to talk myself out of my shame and confusion. Instead, I saw that my emotions made perfect sense. And so did the emotions of my loved ones. Of course they were excited. And, of course I was anxious and overwhelmed. Deciding to have a baby was a big responsibility. I didn’t want to take it lightly. I viewed my feelings as a good sign – a sign that I was fully cognizant of my actions and the consequences.

I chose not to feel bad about myself because I felt some “negative” emotions. I could feel confused and uncomfortable, yet not have to judge myself as a “bad” person or mom. And, I realized that even though I experienced “negative” thoughts or emotions during my journey, it didn’t mean that I had to declare the whole pregnancy “negative.” I could have both. I could have a range of feelings. I could have unwanted emotions and reactions inside of what I considered to be a wonderful experience! Allowing myself to fully feel and learn from my negative feelings and concerns – without having to write off the whole experience as “bad” – was a highly valuable endeavor.

I tapped into other moms for ideas and inspiration. I asked them about what worked for them and about how they determined what worked best for them. And, I reminded myself that I didn’t have to make the same choices they did. As I listened to other women tell their pregnancy and childbirth stories, I got ideas about possible ways to approach situations, and I realized there was an infinite number of ways to “do” pregnancy. I thought about choices such as how I wanted to memorialize my pregnancy (without pressuring myself to create an elaborate scrapbook) and how open I was to inducing labor past my due date – questions that I wouldn’t have considered so intentionally if I hadn’t been listening to others’ accounts of similar inquiries.

When I heard about significant challenges women faced, I felt inspired by how they stepped up physically and mentally, and I was reminded to appreciate every aspect that was flowing easily for me. I identified what mindsets and actions I thought would work best for me in the face of difficulties. By understanding the kind of pregnant women others were, I discovered more about the pregnant woman I wanted to be.

I saw more and more clearly that I could discover the best ways for me to be pregnant. I didn’t have to make the same choices that my female friends and family members had made. I could, if the choices made sense to me, or I could go in search of what would best suit me. I continued to strengthen my belief that I could create my unique experience, that I could be pregnant in my way.

With a personal commitment and the willingness to tune into and learn from your thoughts and feelings, you can uncover what works best for you and create a pregnancy in which you’ll love the pregnant you.

To hear more from the author, Amy L. Riley, and the over 100 women she interviewed for the “Loving the Pregnant You” book, visit the “Loving the Pregnant You” website and/or order your copy of the book here.