It was the second night in the hospital after my daughter, my eldest, was born. My husband had spent the night in the hospital the first night of her life and the second night, I sent him home to get a good night’s rest. He had just left and they were taking my daughter to the nursery after I fed her. As they were strolling that bassinet out of the room – and I had my first moment alone since she was born – I burst into tears. The thought, “We are so screwed” just kept going through my head. Why were we screwed? Because I knew next to nothing about this little baby girl and I knew my whole entire future was going to be wrapped up in her. I was going to love her more than anything forever. I was going to bend myself into pretzels to do whatever I could for her, to protect her, to love her – and I had no idea how that looked and was pretty sure we would screw it up a lot along the way. I knew it was going to be an endless quest!
It was not a quest I resented or dreaded – mind you. (You might think that given the words, “We are so screwed.”!) It was just what was so. I felt how my world had transformed. It would never be the same. This little girl had a hold on me and I never wanted either of us to let go.
I knew then that my quest as a mother would make me neurotic. If I try to resist it, it’ll just make me more neurotic. So, I do my best to embrace my neurosis and encourage other mothers to do the same. Oh, and to talk about it – because then we know we’re not alone!
Join the conversation: What is one of your pivotal moments as a Mom?
The way I’ve overcome similar anxieties is to remind myself of the mother robin. Her job and ours is to prepare that little one for independence, to be able to leave the nest and function exquisitely on her own. I remind myself that children are only on loan to us while we prepare them for entry into the bigger world outside our warm and loving nest. Then I can focus better on that preparation and let go of the urge to just hold her close forever.
But by the way, that doesn’t necessarily make me less neurotic!
Yes! Soooo get that. When Ian was born (our 9 month old son) I started thinking about the endless days and nights of responsibility-it wasn’t just us anymore, we were responsible for another human being. Sleepless nights of colic and feedings were nothing-let’s talk about school projects, after school sports, dances, sex talks, how to get him to not drink and drive, when/if he resents us during puberty how it will literally break my heart, going away to college, being safe alone in the world, not getting his heart broken, having a fulfilling life-aaaaahhhhhh! So my sister gave me the best advice-she said “It doesn’t all happen at once so just take a deep breath and conquer it one day at a time” and I added another mantra “Enjoy every step”. I have already seen after just 9 months how fast it goes. And all of this further cemented what I already knew-it just isn’t about us anymore but all of these fears were. So I had to let them go and refocus that energy into caring for him.
The only thing I now center on his how in love with this child I am and how lucky we are to have him in our lives. So I am doing the best I can and I get completely validated each time he looks at me with that amazing grin filled with love. The rest I suppose we will figure out together.