Pregnancy is such a personal experience. The thoughts and emotions are different for everyone. It’s a common phenomenon that is experienced differently by each individual. We don’t know how to relate to it.
For example, a woman being less than enthusiastic about her pregnancy is a conversation that is not easy for many of us. We don’t have practice with it. When someone tells us that they’re pregnant, our natural reaction might be to light up and exclaim, “Congratulations! I’m so excited for you!” This reaction makes sense in many, many circumstances. And what about the times when it doesn’t – when the woman is currently less than enthused about it? We shouldn’t – necessarily – stop assuming that it’s good news when someone tells us they’re pregnant. So how do we stop overwhelming someone with excitement, when they are not excited? It’s a tricky one.
The first thing to examine is our stereotypical assumptions. It can be easy to assume that if someone is married and over the age of 22 that it’s good news when they tell us they’re pregnant. It can also be easy to assume that if someone is unmarried, a teenager, or just lost their job that it’s bad news to be pregnant. We all probably have examples in our lives of when these assumptions didn’t hold true. We can try – to the best of our abilities – to check our assumptions. We can even express it that way, “I’m assuming this is great news. Is that how you feel?” (Although that might leave a delighted person wondering, why would you not think this is great news?)
Another thing to get is that we all – at some time or another – got the assumption wrong. And when we did that, we hoped that the other person would be gracious with us. And if they weren’t, we might’ve thought: “What? How can you blame me? Most anyone would think that…” So, we want to extend the graciousness we’d desire with those around us. How could they know? They are not inside our heads and hearts.
Another way to keep us out of assumption trouble is to be really curious or interested in how it is for the other person. If we’re in a place of wondering what it’s like for the other person and are actively figuring that out – so we can empathize and say the appropriate things that will support and empower the individual – then we will most likely find ourselves asking a lot of open-ended questions: How is it going? What’s it like for you so far? What are you thinking and feeling? You can see how these allow the other person to go where they want. It keeps us from laying our feelings and opinions on top of their circumstances.
And, be prepared that you might not get where the other person is. You may not understand how someone who says they want to have kids is not excited in this moment about being pregnant, especially if you and your partner are currently trying to get pregnant or spent 2 years doing so.
A final piece of advice is to be prepared to share about your perspective. We can’t expect others to read our minds. So we might just need to spell it out. “The reason I’m not jumping up and down with you is not because I’m not excited. It’s that I’m also scared and intimidated and truthfully those emotions are stronger than the excitement right now.” It takes great courage to just say how it is for us. And in the times that I’ve been aware and brave enough to be authentic, I’ve been rewarded with the same: someone who’s willing to – although uncomfortable – navigate the waters with me.
Please join the conversation: How do we have conversations that we have no (or little) practice having? How do we help others to be a part of conversations they’ve never had?
