When I spoke with Leslie, she was a 44 year-old who had fairly recently got divorced. A life approach of Leslie’s was to make the next choice that worked for her. She continually asked herself, “If I could design it any way I wanted, what would I want?” So, when she was no longer in a marriage with a man who hadn’t wanted any more kids, she asked herself the question. And the answer was, “I’d have another child.” She wanted an immediate family that was larger than her and her 8-year old daughter. So, the next choice was about how to make that happen.
Leslie connected with people who had relevant experience. She systematically looked at the choices and discarded those that didn’t work for her. In looking at domestic adoption, Leslie felt she had to face the fact that she wouldn’t look as “appealing,” as a single mother, to women selecting adoptive parents. She didn’t want to set herself up for repeated disappointment if birth moms continued to not select her as their top choice. She then moved on to international adoption options. Leslie found that in many countries they would consider a single parent, yet only after a divorce has been final for more than a year. She understood the rationale of helping to ensure a stable family environment, yet she didn’t want to wait. By the time she was elgible and the process took place, it’d be an estimated 3 years. Given her age, she wanted to add to her family before then. After undergoing some testing she determined that moving forward with a sperm donor might be her most viable option. There were stated risks from her doctor. Yet Leslie figured nothing in life was risk-free, and this seemed the most feasible. And, it proved to be. Leslie got pregnant with the first try.
When I listened to Leslie share her story, I kept thinking about the word “acceptance” and how she appeared to easily accept the characteristics and variables in front of her – didn’t get herself in a big knot that this option wouldn’t work easily or this one didn’t seem to be viable – she accepted and moved on. When I shared this perspective with Leslie, she was surprised. To her, it wasn’t about being accepting. It was about fighting for what she wanted and knowing that if she kept fighting she’d find a way! Well, that’s equally inspiring. And – believe me – Leslie has had to fight through some health challenges during her pregnancies (cholestasis of pregnancy and gestational diabetes).
As Leslie moved forward with getting pregnant, she had been astounded by how easily it flowed together.
This shows us that it’s all about perspective! It could be really easy to look at the options that Leslie considered and discarded before she choose her path, and think that it looked anything but easy!
Please join the conversation: When have you chosen an empowering perspective, when you could’ve chosen a disempowering one?
I appreciated the way Leslie so logically looked at her options as possibilities to be explored, she didn’t seem to get side tracked by the options which were not a fit. What a great reminder that when something doesn’t work, to keep searching for the best fit solution.