Making Dad a Partner in Pregnancy

I recently interviewed Stacey for the book and I was really inspired by how she created her husband as a co-parent from the very beginning – not after the baby was born, but from conception. He was a true partner during the pregnancy. I marveled at how clear she was that she needed to make sure they were a team. She said that she had to reach out in ways that were – at times – not natural.  Anyone who has been pregnant might relate to times that we can feel angry, confused and like we just want to figure it out on our own. Heck, we don’t even know what’s going on with us. How are we going to explain it well enough to someone else so they have even the faintest clue how to support us? Yet, Stacey knew she wanted and needed her husband in her life in ways that were more than “traditional,” so she was intentional about partnering with him and including him every step of the way.

Can you imagine? When I was pregnant, I was focused on how I was doing, how my baby was doing, and separately how my husband was doing and if he was keeping up with what was going on! When I said “we,” I was primarily referring to me and our baby. When Stacey says “we,” she’s talking primarily about her and her husband and how they’re parenting as a team. I was impressed by her perspective and conviction.

Stacey explains further that she knew it might be natural to get angry during this journey, especially in childbirth and especially with the husband. She didn’t want to do this. In fact, when her husband stopped at the ATM on the way to the hospital for the delivery, she got out her makeup bag and made herself up. She wanted to look good for him! How cool I thought! How unusual. And, as I spoke with Stacey and heard the pride and love in her voice, I totally got how it made complete sense to her and how it was the thing for her to focus on while the car was stopped for this errand.

Now, was this all about selfless sacrifice?? No. It made her feel good to look good. She was proud to look beautiful during childbirth (her natural, drug-free childbirth, by the way). And, throughout her pregnancy, Stacey had the glorious experience of knowing that someone always had her back. She wanted and needed someone to lean on, someone to whom she could say: I trust you with my life. There would be times that she’d think she couldn’t do it, and he was there for her, understanding who she was, what she was experiencing and knowing that she could do it. And because they had been on the journey together, Stacey could believe her husband when he said: You can do this. I know what you’re made of. There were times when Stacey was not herself and she needed her husband’s rationale thinking. She knows what she gave to the partnership and she knows what she got from the partnership.

Stacey asks: Why do we women feel like we need to do it all? It’s so nice – in this important aspect of life – to depend on others and to be taken care of. Ah, it’s lovely.

I see also a very practical aspect to including Dad in all aspects of the pregnancy and relating to him as an equal partner in the process. An equal partner?, you vehemently ask. I know! I hear the part of my brain that’s shouting: But wait! He’s not carrying around extra weight, he’s not physically nurturing 2 bodies… I know, I know. Yet, after the baby is born we want him to be an equal partner – or close to it. So, what a difference, I ask, would it make if we related to him as our teammate from the beginning – from conception?

Please join the conversation: How can we or how did you include Dad during pregnancy? What difference would it make if we related to Dad as our partner from the very beginning?